My AP world exam… I didn’t even finish the multiple choice! How the hell is 54 minutes long enough. I had like five left! THE FUCKING READINGS. Then the DBQ, I thought was pretty easy and did it in 45 minutes. But then I got paranoid and freaked and and was like “what if I actually did really bad and what if I didn’t understand it at all!” Then the CCOT. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT. I completely blanked and if I’m going to be honest. I didn’t write about the right region or time period. I’m so screwed. (Oh like a month ago at my school we got in groups and every group had. A different time period and region and mine was Asia preiod5) so then the COMP was so easy because I already knew it all and threw a shit ton of vocabulary in there and it was my bitch. And then I went back to the CCOT and spent a good twenty minutes writing the whole thing… And softly sobbed when I was done.
I mean we all say that if they loved us they’d would work it out, or if they cared they’d be here with us, or the if they want to talk they’ll text me. But honestly, we’re not working it out either, or showing we care, or texting them first. Who is to say who has to make the first move all of the time in any sort of relationship. And yeah, sometimes we are the ones working it out and caring and texting, but maybe they’re thinking the exact same thing about us and we’re missing a chance to experience greatness we’re just too afraid to take a risk and put ourselves out there. Its happened to me where we didn’t talk for months and when we finally did he called me first like I was waiting for when really I should of called him. And we both felt the same way like we didn’t love each other. I dlon’t really know what the big point in this but I guess its just if you risk it all it might be worth it and don’t let your ego get in the way of you being happy, because that person probably wont be in your life forever.
But the thing is I don’t really put much effort into anything anymore. I try to justify it by saying I care, but that’s not enough. And everyone probably thinks that if I did care enough I would try or fight for them or do something, but I don’t. But i need to try, right?
I think its about time for another breakdown.
I always push everyone away when I start getting close to them or when things start going good. And this time is no different it’s like I hardly have anyone. Ad I don’t even feel like myself anymore, I’m becoming more distant from who I am. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I guess it can only go up from here. “I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up.” - Augustus Waters
Obamas getting some tonight.
I had gone to Europe for ten days with my mom and her friends. In those ten days we stayed in Belgium, spent a night in Paris (where this story takes place), and spent a night in Holland. I was already having the best time of my life in Europe and what made it even better was knowing that there were things waiting for me back home.
So, the prologue to this story happens the night before my plane. Well really the four months prior to my trip. But, there was this guy. An amazing guy who I had met and became very good, close friends with in those few short months. But, I had to leave for the airport at three in the morning and I couldn’t leave without seeing him. We had started to have feelings for each other, even though things were complicated and we hadn’t really expressed them. He came over the night before at eleven. He had left his gig early to come see me and we just sat together on the couch and talked and enjoyed laying with each other. We laughed and he helped me weigh my suitcase and we ate all the food in my fridge and he left at one in the morning, leaving me just over an hour to sleep. While I was gone, we talked when I woke up (which was when he was going to sleep) and when I was going to sleep, and he, waking up. And now,the best day of my life.
Just before going to sleep the night before, i was talking to him and he said he had feelings for me. Of course i did too and we skyped for hours and I was happy. I slept so good that night. I woke up In the morning. Feeling amazing. I was going Paris, how could I not feel on top of the world? I quickly went on my laptop so I could see if he was still awake. He was. I missed him so much. I asked him what he wanted from Belgium and his response was, “You. Just you. Wrapped in you. Okay?” We only talked for a short while before I had to go. I got ready and we all piled into a van we rented and nicknamed The Party Bus. All I could think about on the two hour ride from Mons, Belgium to Paris, France was how perfect my life was at that moment and how lucky I was to have the life I did. And I remember listening to my IPod on the way there listening to stupid little love songs and then randomly looking out the winder and seeing this huge masterpiece directly in front of me. I was in awe of how big and beautiful the Eiffel Tower was and I couldn’t believe I was there. Everyone, everything, every aspect of Paris was perfect to me. I felt sensational and was in a never ending euphoria. We drove to our hotel which probably would of been just a normal hotel except for the fact that it was in Paris and everything seemed to be ten times better than usual. We weren’t there for long and went walking.
Just walking down the streets of France with my mom, the person love most, and some friends I had just met but had grown so close to in such little time, was all I could hope for. We walked passed a coffee shop and a beautiful flower shop called Happy Happy. We saw beautiful people riding their bicycles or enjoying expresso with a loved one. Then, we came to the Eiffel Tower. The park we were in was green and full of people from all around the world. We must have took over 300 photos just in that park looking up and this beautiful place. Underneath the Eiffel Tower was gorgeous. It makes you realize just how little you are. We decided that we would go up later and moved on. The gang and I went on a double decor red tour bus, like you see in the movies, and saw the Arc De Triumph and all the amazing places to see. As we walked down they streets in the best city in the world, which reminded me of New York City in so many ways, I just thought of how wonderful my life was. I told my mom about what had happened the night before and how he made me feel invincible. She was happy for me which made me smile even more. Norte Dame was absolutely beautiful. The cobble stone we walked on was delightful yet painful. The bridge with the locks of lovers made me want to find a love so kind and pure to come back and put one of my own.
After all of the sight seeing we settled in a tiny, and when I say tiny I mean hardly being able to walk through comfortably tiny, restaurant where they served us an amazing red wine with our meal and baguettes that were just out of the oven. The food was incredible and made me wonder how I could settle for fast food in America ever again. Not to mention the waiter was a handsome French boy with an accent that could melt your heart. I didn’t think that I could ever eat as much as I did that week. Walking off all those extra calories sounded like a good idea, so that’s exactly what we did.
By the time we were in line for the Eiffel Tower the sun was getting ready to set and when we got to the first elevator it was dark, but the lights from all the buildings and parks fouls light the whole world. The lights on the tower went on to give it a gold glow. The first elevator rode was short and my mom was terrified, holding on to my hand so tight you’d think I would have to get it cut off. But that was just a start. The next elevator seemed like it took an hour to get to the next level which I have to admit, gave me the chills. But walking out and seeing the amazing view was breath taking. But then we realized that there was one more elevator to get to the top. Once we were up there my mom was practically glued to the wall and the look on her face was priceless. Everything looked so minuscule and I thought how things that seem so big on the ground, aren’t and how much smaller I am than them. I was in awe. After we went back to the second level gift shop, which my mom and I went into. We were looking around and I saw something square and picked it up. It said “I <3 PARIS” on it and then I realized it was a condom and put it down, but my mom came up to me and said, “Are you getting that for you know who?” And winked at me. I thought I should just because it was funny but I didn’t and it made me laugh. Once an hour or so the Eiffel Tower lights up and glitters like a Christmas tree. When it does, everyone just screams in excitement.
Walking back to the hotel, I couldn’t stop taking pictures even though it was so dark. My mom and I got back to our room and her friend invited us to go have a glass of wine at a cafe across the street but it was already late and I wanted to stay in so i could talk to him, but my mom went. So I stayed in and tried to find something to watch on TV but the only channels they had were a hunting show, in French, a news station, in French, and a paid programming show, in French. So I muted it and talked to him through Facebook. I told him all about my day and we talked about how much we missed each other. He told me he loved me to ∞. When he said that i was overjoyed ad i couldn’t wait to get back to him. And we had a fight about who loved who the most. I fell asleep soon after that. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I shut my eyes. I had locked the door because I was in a hotel room, alone, in Paris and thought my mom had a key. I woke up a couple hours later and realized I still had my contacts in so I got up and took the out. My mom stormed into our hotel room very frustrated. I asked if she had fun, but instead if hearing about that, I heard about how I had locked her out and when she banged on the door so I could let me in and there was no answer. And she. She went to the lobby and they called the room multiple times, I didn’t pick up. And how she went back up to the room and banged on the door, I didn’t open it. Until finally the manager had a key and let her in. Since I was awake when she came in,she thought I had been the entire time. So I explained myself and said I was sorry because I had fallen asleep and slept hard enough not to hear a thing and she forgave me. We laughed about it and went to sleep.
When we woke up six hours later, I quickly put myself together and wanted to explore. The whole gang went to the Louvre which was incredible. We didn’t go inside though. After, my mother and I walked through this beautiful park and talked about everything you could imagine. We saw this little cafe with a view of the Eiffel Tower and had expresso and juice and Danishes. We shopped a little bit and got lost for a while but eventually found our way back. We rode home and stopped by a castle that I joked about living in when was older and went back to Mons.
I guess this should be called the best 48 hours of my life or the best ten days of my life, but within those ten days, those were the greatest moments of my existence. Partially because of how he made me feel at the time, like I was needed and had a purpose. Like everything that happened, wasn’t without meaning and like I meant to him what he meant to be. And partially because in Europe and my time in Paris, everything was so simple and I didn’t have to try to be anything more than what I am and I ate what. I wanted and said what I thought and did what I felt. I felt complete and as if I was where I was meant to be. I felt like I was going home, I had finally found my place. I liked who I was and was becoming.
That’s it. The greatest day(s) of my life. My taste of perfection.
No matter how you treat me or what has happened in the past, I shouldn’t treat you horrible, like scum. Im not in control of you and I can’t change you no matter how much I try. I shouldn’t want to change you. I shouldn’t try to belittle you with my words. I should respect you and try to understand. You have good intentions and I see that. Its not that you don’t want to be better, you do, but you’re sick and don’t understand. Change the things you can, and accept the things you can’t. Im sorry for everything I have done that hurt you. I love you and I haven’t shown it very well. This is me accepted it and moving on.
My mom just old me I was her hero. That made me really happy. And coming from her, the strongest person I know, meant a lot.
one thing i hate more than anything is when im trying to vent to someone, and just talk to them without judgement and all the do is try to give me advice. I know what i need to do and its not like a have a ton of people to talk to, and im choosing to tell you my problems and you probably dont care like i want you to but all i want is someone to listen.